I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
We need to put an American base on the sun
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?