I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
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Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Mapping America’s Far Right
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location