Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

😲 WTF? 😆

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]