I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it