I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
lmao
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.