@meganamram

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

You Might Also Like

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@MoistPork

Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.

@kieransofar

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

@shadygeekdad

DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!

@sweetmomissa

Aragorn: “You have my sword.”

Legolas: “And my bow.”

Gimli: “And my axe.”

Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”

@longwall26

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

@heymonroe

Fun Prank:
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
4.) Relax

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.