I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Note to self: I am a note
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool