If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Men: Don’t lie to your woman, she’ll catch you. Don’t tell her the truth, she’ll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
Aragorn: “You have my sword.”
Legolas: “And my bow.”
Gimli: “And my axe.”
Me: “And my children, all of them – ok at least just one. Wait, where are you all going?”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
1.) Buy 35 coats
2.) Goto the movie theatre
3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row
Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.