I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
What
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right