I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows