Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Lingerie.

…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

Mad Max Arctic Road

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”