Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.