I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you