i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…