i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Icarus loved hot wings.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
