I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Stop it! 😂
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.