Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack