Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

scrabbled eggs

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

Hey! This isn’t my car!

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

barbara was highly relatable

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.