I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I have so many questions.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
#CoronaOutbreak
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
When your man makes a valid point
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?