I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.