I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.