I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
🤭😂
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?