I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
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Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]