“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two