“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit