“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
