Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth