Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.