I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy