I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Yep.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
