I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out