I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…