I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*