Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

knights of the ikea table

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.