Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

School be like

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.