I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
lol
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
still the best tweet of the year by far
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat