I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

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“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.


Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?


My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”


I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!


A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either


Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.




“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s


fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha


[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?