I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.