i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday