i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?