Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

i really liked this one

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?