Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

[Mom group]

New mom: My six-month-old is teething.

My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Couple goals

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming