Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

They’re on their honeymoon

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…