I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.