Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Got him!

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.