Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.