I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
When you kidnap a writer.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower