I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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Happy Thanksgiving
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Going to church you guys need anything
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.