I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!