I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
at ease…shoulder.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.