Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”