I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.