Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?