I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect