My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Me: My smile?
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”