FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28