I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-

I’m better than you.

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Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes


Me: he’s cute, how old is he?

Guy: 25 months

Me: first kid?

Guy: yeah, how’d you know?

Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”


People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.


If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth


My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.


They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.


Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”


My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.


I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace