D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes
I’m a narsciic- narcssiss- narcasassi- narcysis-narcis-
I’m better than you.
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: he’s cute, how old is he?
Guy: 25 months
Me: first kid?
Guy: yeah, how’d you know?
Me: because you didn’t say “he’s 2”
People who don’t know how to merge onto the highway, there’s a bus pass for that.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace