Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones