I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
my first day as a raccoon
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Lmao
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now