“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You Might Also Like
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I’d done. Wondered idly what’d happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.