Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band