“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Donkey Kong sommelier
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.