This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Labreador
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.