Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.