I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
what’s in a name?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!