Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

#Caturday

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

I just tested negative for patience.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.