I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
the dark web is just a goth google.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.