I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Denise please return my vape pen
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you