I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*