I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.