Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.