I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
#Thanos #MondayMood
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.