I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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playing pool? you mean swimming?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I’m about to risk it all
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES